Lately I've been feeling these moments of fear/sadness about "when" the delays begin. I guess because Parker is no longer a "baby" at 5 months I've been "looking" for those signs of delay if that makes sense. Maybe it is a false sense of hope that Parker won't have any delays, maybe it is a hope that the test is wrong and this is all a bad dream. I remember my pediatrician saying at 6months you may begin to notice the delays, so as we approach that timeline the anxiety is creeping in. I've been thinking back to when the other kids were young trying desperately to remember when they sat up, stood up, walked,etc.. Some milestones I remember without fail. Taylor and Mallory walking on Mothers Day (Taylor at 11months and Mallory at 15 months). Never once did it worry me that they were "behind" their peers (or ahead for that matter). I hate that Parker has to endure "exercises" and "playtime" with purpose. He doesn't know any better, but I feel guilty if we don't exercise, stimulate, or stretch his mouth daily enough times. I wonder if his entire life will be spent around therapy of some kind? I hate that Satan robs me of the joy of just loving my son for the moment. I was looking back at my photos to see if I could remember when Madeline sat alone for the first time and found a picture. 7 months. "Good, I thought, 2more months, Parker will surely be able to sit by then." We have been working on standing, bearing weight on his legs which he tolerates well at this point, I wonder will he pull up at 10-12months? Will I always compare him to my other kids or will I one day accept him for his timeline for achievements?
What struck me was the resemblance between Parker and Madeline. I saw this early on when Parker was born, but these pictures show how much they do look alike. Someone told me that Parker has 1/3 of me, 1/3 of his Dad, and 1/3 of the "extra" which makes him more like us than the Ds. These pictures prove it! Madeline is so proud to say, "Parker looks like me Mom." I wonder when she gets older will she feel bad about saying that?
I know that God is still working on the "what for?" in me. As I always pray with the kids, "his mercy is new everyday and his grace is sufficient." Lord give me the peace that passes all understanding and the ability to trust you in all things.
"Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded" Hebrews 10:35