Wednesday, September 23, 2009

4 months old and Flashes of Sadness


Today our precious boy is four months old...what a journey..we can see a bit of the trees through the fog I am happy to say..hard to believe he is 4 months old already. I see why people kept saying, "relax, enjoy him being a baby!" I am already feeling I am losing that stage as he is growing and developing. Here is a list of things Parker is doing (for me to remember to document) at 4 months:

-talking, talking, talking (alright so it isn't words, but..) he is anxious to participate in any socialization going on in the house

-responds to his sisters, brother, other family members and reacts to them with excitement, anger, you name it!

-rolls side to side on back and over (front to back)

-sits independently in his Bumbo for about 5 minutes or so

-making sounds, "ma..ba..ooh..uh..ahh"

-reaches out to hit or grasp toys (still working on up grabbing)

-tracks things side to side with eyes

-responds (and LOVES) music

-opens mouth for spoon feeding (so far no cereal, but we are practicing with the spoon at therapy)

-a giggle! just starting, but a quick "ha!" comes out when you tickle him, this is new and such an exciting one for Mom and Dad

-grabbing things hand to mouth..EVERYTHING goes in his mouth

-smiling and just being genuinely CUTE and endearing :)


"flashes of sadness" I read this on another bloggers post and it was such a great description of how I feel. I am mostly out of the dark place of tears, sorrow, and depression that encompassed my first weeks after his diagnosis, but these "flashes of sadness" are fast and furious. It is strange what sets them off. This week it was the person at the drive thru window that had some sort of disability that helped me. Instead of celebrating this young man's abilities and independence, I felt discouraged. It happens at the grocery store when the sacker that sacks my groceries has a disability. It happens when I am helping my 2nd grader with her spelling words (I panic and think, "will Parker be able to spell?" I know the answer is a resounding YES!!!). It happens at the most random times and to the most random things..I read about the Duggar family with #19 on the way and none has disabilities and I am brought to tears..it happened yesterday at the visit to the Down syndrome clinic..the speech path talked about her 18 year old sister that has DS going to a vocational college and the 60 year old visitor with DS that came from Germany (and he flew alone) that is amazing and speaking to educational groups across the world..I know this is normal, but can't wait until these moments are not so "fast and furious" and they too become a more distant memory. The other thing is I feel "sad about being sad." The blogger was so right, the "sad about being sad." Geez, I know better, but they are still my feelings. My precious husband is so gracious to love me unconditionally and he wisely said, "you have to get that crying out." So, at 4months I realize God is giving me the strength to take it one day at a time, but he's still working on me! What I do know is that when these flashes of sadness come, all I have to do is look at this precious boy and his smiling face and it all seems OK. I love you Parker, more than you will ever know...


Anticipating God's best!



8 comments:

  1. The tears can come so unexpectedly - but they will come less and less with time. The beginning can be so hard....give yourself time! And like you said, all you need to do is look at that adorable baby of yours and know that everything really will be okay.....more than okay!

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  2. Oh my gosh he is CUTE and wow look at all he can do.

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  3. He's only four months! Give yourself time. I had a "flash" like this the other day and it made me realize how long it's been since one of those have hit me. We are almost 8 mos. into it.

    He is just Mr. Personality+, btw! Too cute!

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  4. He's doing so much great stuff. I don't remember having those feelings. Although I do remember seeing babies in carts at the store and wondering if my baby will ever be out of the hospital long enough to go to the store with me.

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  5. Girl, you are doing so well. Seriously.

    We found out at delivery, too, and at four months, I was still pretty depressed about it. Benjamin had his open-heart surgery at 5 1/2 months, and his intestinal surgery at 8 1/2 months.

    I remember one day when he was about 9 months old when it hit me. I didn't feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. It took 9 months.

    But I still have flashes of sadness. He's 17 months old now. But with each flash of sadness, I get stronger. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to mourn the life and the son you thought you were going to have. It doesn't mean you don't love Parker or want him.

    I sometimes get sad when I see special needs adults, too. It doesn't give me hope or encouragement. I know it should. But it doesn't. I was more depressed reading the book "Gifts" than lifted up.

    We have a special needs ministry at my church. I'm in a Bible study with several other moms. We're reading this book, and it's really good:
    http://www.amazon.com/Thrive-Dont-Simply-Survive-Passionately/dp/1416580492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253744320&sr=8-1

    (((hugs))) You're doing a great job. You're a great mom. Contact me any time. theamicks77@comcast.net

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  6. Hi!

    Parker is adorable! Strong and touching blog post. Thank you for sharing your family's journey.

    I found your blog while searching for the best information on down syndrome. I think your blog is very helpful and believe that you could reach even more people if you joined Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network (HBN). The HBN is comprised of over 2,600 of the web's best health writers and their content is read by over 6 million visitors a month at Wellsphere.com.

    For more information about joining, please visit http://www.wellsphere.com/health-blogger or email me at hua [at] wellsphere [dot] com.



    Best,

    Hua

    Director of Blogger Networks

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  7. Hey Font Family! It was great to see you guys at Lupe! The kids are all growing! Your journey is one to watch and learn from! I understand flashes of sadness, they come and go and as time goes on, they are farther between. As for fog, I know what it feels like to live in fog for a while. as time goes on, the fog lifts and the blessings shine through. As the years go by, you realize that the fog has lifted and a new life is the normal! God Bless you guys! God will lead you to be the perfect parent for Parker:) Take care!

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  8. My daughter was born the same day as Parker and diagnosed at delivery with DS as well. I stumbled upon your blog tonight as I was having my own flash of sadness...thanks for being some one else out there that feels how I feel. I relate 100%. Know you are not alone. There is a baby named Lark the exact same age as Parker fighting too and a Mama that hurts with you and smiles with you.

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